Eight Months Past & Still Feeling the Loss...

Sometimes I feel that the clock is like fan moving at breakneck speed. It's now 8 months since Juliana somewhat sudden home going. It still feels like we were talking yesterday but she is no longer around... the familiar voice, the physical presence... the moments of sharing...

I have fond memories mixed with times that I recall that fateful final week spent in ICU... the lapsing into a coma and the drifting away... the final hour of departure... it was all too quick to say a goodbye. I will probably keep counting the days and months, perhaps, years. My biggest comfort is that the 3 of us were with her in those final moments and also, one day, we'll all meet again - a day where tears will be no more and there will be great joy in the presence of our Almighty God.

And Lord haste the day when faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll.
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well with my soul, it is well, it is well with my soul!

In You alone, I find all that I need

Today marks the 7th month since Juliana was taken home to be with the Lord.

Time and again it is God who has held on to me, helping me to focussed on eternity's perspective. While I still have many "whys" each day, it is only in God that I can keep on keeping on. Steve Green's rendition of "In You alone" rings often in my mind and the lyrics provided much assurance!

In You Alone

When I am weak, You carry every burden
When I'm alone, You're just a breath away
When I am restless, You're the one who stills me
And where I fail, You always stay the same

In You alone, I'm lifted up to heaven
In You alone, I soar on borrowed wings
When I reach the end, You are just beginning
In You alone, I find all that I need

When I am lost, You rescue me from danger
And when I fall, You pick me up again
When I resist, You love past my defenses
And though I stray, You're patient to the end


Words by Steve Green
Music by Bernie Herms

© 2005 Birdwing Music (admin. by EMI CMG Publishing) / Steve Green Music
(admin. by EMI CMG Publishing) / Banahama Tunes (admin. by The Loving Company) / ASCAP

Sorrow Mixed with Light

Steve Green has always been one of my favourite singers and his album, "Somewhere in Between" has be poignantly relevant, ministering to me in my darkest days.

Let me share one of the lyrics of a song in this album here, the words of which I would fully echo:

Sorrow Mixed With Light

How beautiful and frail
Are all the days we share
How fragile is this breath of life
Like mist on the field
Will vanish in the wind
All we've come to know
Fades before our eyes

And what tomorrow brings
Who of us can say
Beyond this sorrow mixed with light
For somewhere in between
The beauty and the tears
This is where we live our lives

My eyes look to You.
You're the hope of my days
My eyes look to You as I cry out Your name
And I wait for all things to be remade

Not every earthly tear
That falls is wiped away
For some are like refining fire
That turn my heart to You, my one desire

Six months has passed...

Today marks 6 months since Juliana was promoted to glory with the Lord. How time flies! The continual flashes of memory of that eventful final week of her earthly life now and then reminds me dearly of the pain and suffering she went through. The moments spent in hospital by her side... Her quiet endurance of pain and discomfort... Even that final hour and the final breath... All these remain firmly etched in my mind. Absence does makes the heart grow fonder. I'm looking forward to the day when the heartaches and sorrow will give way to immeasurable joy as we meet again in God's presence.

Till then, I want to continue to trust God for daily strength, wisdom and sustenance to run and complete my "race".

Lord, help me to finish well and to do what you will bid me do for this time and in this life!

Jesus, Lover of my soul

The beautiful and richly comforting words of Charles Wesley's hymn filled my mind this morning. Oh where, but where could I run to, except to Christ's bosom to find refuge and strength!

Jesus, lover of my soul, let me to Thy bosom fly,
While the nearer waters roll, while the tempest still is high.
Hide me, O my Savior, hide, till the storm of life is past;
Safe into the haven guide; O receive my soul at last.

Other refuge have I none, hangs my helpless soul on Thee;
Leave, ah! leave me not alone, still support and comfort me.
All my trust on Thee is stayed, all my help from Thee I bring;
Cover my defenseless head with the shadow of Thy wing.

Wilt Thou not regard my call? Wilt Thou not accept my prayer?
Lo! I sink, I faint, I fall—Lo! on Thee I cast my care;
Reach me out Thy gracious hand! While I of Thy strength receive,
Hoping against hope I stand, dying, and behold, I live.

Thou, O Christ, art all I want, more than all in Thee I find;
Raise the fallen, cheer the faint, heal the sick, and lead the blind.
Just and holy is Thy Name, I am all unrighteousness;
False and full of sin I am; Thou art full of truth and grace.

Plenteous grace with Thee is found, grace to cover all my sin;
Let the healing streams abound; make and keep me pure within.
Thou of life the fountain art, freely let me take of Thee;
Spring Thou up within my heart; rise to all eternity.

Yes, 'tis but for the grace of God which sustains me day by day...

Visiting the Dead Sea Scrolls Exhibition - 11 Sep 09

Dr David Byrd explains...

A facsimile copy of the KJV - all 15kg of it for $1,500!

Melissa is facsinated with this huge KJV Bible...

Miranda tired out with the exhibits! Taking a rest...

William Tyndale, Father of the modern English Bible

A very old copy of the bible

The KJV exhibit

John Wyclif's exhibit

The fascinating Dead Sea Scrolls section... a foretaste of what you'll find in the Shrine of the Book.

Fragment of an OT section

Birthdays In August & September...

Miranda & Melissa celebrate their birthdays

Church Camp 2009 - Additional Photos

Another sampling of our church camp photos. I think the girls really enjoyed themselves!

Birthday Journal - August 10th

The whole nation celebrated my birthday in a sense when they were given a day off (public holiday). My girls and I went to visit Jul's grave in the morning.

This was followed with a small family gathering with some of our extended family members at William & Rachel's new place!

We celebrated four birthdays in one! Tony's, Jessie's, Miranda's and mine's. All our birthdays fall in the month of August. What joy to thank God for another year of health and blessings!

To borrow the words of Keith & Kristyn Getty's song, "May the Peace of God (Benediction)", I want to give my profound thanks to Him who made and saved us:

May the peace of God our heavenly Father

And the grace of Christ the risen Son

And the fellowship of God the Spirit

Keep our hearts and minds within His love.

And to Him be praise for His glorious reign

From the depths of the the earth to the heights of heaven

We declare the name of the Lamb once slain

Christ eternal the King of kings.

May the peace whic passes understanding

And this grace which makes us what we are

And this fellowship of His communion

Makes us one in spirit and in heart.

(c) 2005 Thankyou Music

There is a hope by Stuart Townend

I have been again blessed - now by the lyrics of a recent hymn written by the modern British hymn writer, Stuart Townend. I found the lyrics both spiritually and theologically rich. Here they are:

THERE IS A HOPE
by Stuart Townend and Mark Edwards
Copyright (c) 2007 Thankyou Music.

There is a hope that burns within my heart,
That gives me strength for ev'ry passing day;
a glimpse of glory now revealed in meager part,
Yet drives all doubt away:
I stand in Christ, with sins forgiv'n;
and Christ in me, the hope of heav'n!
My highest calling and my deepest joy,
to make His will my home.

There is a hope that lifts my weary head,
A consolation strong against despair,
That when the world has plunged me in its deepest pit,
I find the Savior there!
Through present sufferings, future's fear,
He whispers, "Courage!" in my ear.
For I am safe in everlasting arms,
And they will lead me home.

There is a hope that stands the test of time,
That lifts my eyes beyond the beckoning grave,
To see the matchless beauty of a day divine
When I behold His face!
When sufferings cease and sorrows die,
and every longing satisfied,
then joy unspeakable
will flood my soul,
For I am truly home.

May my life be always defined by a hope that is rooted firmly in the truth of Your glorious resurrection. May my current sufferings remind me that though I am in this world, I am called by You to embody a vision of life as You would have it. May I always look ahead, knowing that by Your grace alone, You will indeed lead me safely home.

Here's the link if you want to hear & watch it on youtube - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyMWBx6vvJo

Zion Church Camp 2009

As promised, here are the camp photos (selected ones only!)

Miranda, the turtle?

Miranda rehearshing her steps for talent night

Talent night...

Melissa...

Me... in jest!

The discussion group I was in...

Was trying to take a shot but got shot instead!

Dr Chris Gnanakan expositing from the Book of Haggai

Workshop on Creation Care

More from Dr Gnanakan...

The children's group had a separate programme

All adult campers posing for the memories

Melissa wearing the jester hat!

Still, my soul be still

Heard this new song by Keith & Kristyn Getty. I found the lyrics meaningful and the song ministered to me. I hope it would minister to you, those of you who are going through trials, temptations or suffering in your life.

You can listen to a portion of it here: http://www.gettymusic.com/usa/lyrics.asp?id=174

Still, my soul be still
And do not fear
Though winds of change may rage tomorrow
God is at your side
No longer dread
The fires of unexpected sorrow

God, You are my God
And I will trust in You and not be shaken
Lord of peace renew
A steadfast spirit within me
To rest in You alone

Still, my soul be still
Do not be moved
By lesser lights and fleeting shadows
Hold onto His ways
With shield of faith
Against temptations flaming arrows

Still, my soul be still
Do not forsake
The Truth you learned in the beginning
Wait upon the Lord
And hope will rise As stars appear when day is dimming

Death does not have the final word - life does

Just this 22nd, Elder Chou Choon King went to be with the Lord. Despite his infirmities, Elder Chou was a man who care deeply for others. Many have testified to that from the number who came up to give him the tributes. Each time I met him in church, he would never fail to enquire about my family and I. He was genuinely concerned for Juliana's health. I remembered him calling up and talking with me on the phone when Juliana was called home. Among the many things he said for which I was straining to make out, he apologised for not being able to come and visit me and said he'll pray for the comfort of God to be on me. That touched me deeply for one who himself is coping with his own illnesses. Well, I'm glad that Elder Chou is now free from all ills and sufferings and is enjoying eternal peace with God!

This just reminded me again on what Sittser said in one of his chapters: "...we live in the present, which is often full of sorrow and pain. Suffering engenders a certain degree of ambivalence in those of us who believe in the resurrection. We feel the pain of our present circumstances, which reminds us of what we have lost; yet we hope for future release and victory. We doubt, yet try to believe; we suffer, yet long for real healing; we inch hesitantly toward death, yet see death as the door to resurrection. ...We are creatures made of dust; yet we know we were made for something more. A sense of eternity resides in our hearts. Living with this ambivalence is both difficult and vital. It stretches our souls, challenging us to acknowledge our mortality and yet to continue to hope for final victory -- the victory Jesus won for us in His death and resurrection, a victory that awaits us only on the other side of the grave."

Like Sittser, my soul increases its capacity for hope as well as for sadness. I end up believing with greater depth and joy than I had before, even in my sorrow!

More on Bill Stuntz...

For those who would like to read what else did Bill Stuntz say, here is the rest of his sermon. Bill is not writing academically here although he's a Harvard law professor. He writes from the depths of his heart. Read on, and you'll know that he has been through much suffering himself! Here's the link: http://intervarsity.org/gfm/resource/three-lessons-on-suffering I do hope it will minister to those who are suffering.

Wise Words from William Stuntz

Today, I'd like to share some wise words from Bill Stuntz and this was what he said: "Christians err when we imagine that God is supposed to heal all our diseases. That is not promised to us, not in this life. More the opposite: Jesus said, “In this world you will have trouble” — not “might have,” but “will have.” But while God does not offer to take my cancer or my pain away, He offers something even better: that good will come from those illnesses, and that the good will be larger than the suffering it redeems. Romans 8:28 says that “in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him.” Cancer and chronic pain remain ugly, killing things, enemies of all who love life and beauty. But try as they might, those enemies do not get the last word. Our pain is not empty; we do not suffer in vain. When life strikes hard blows, what we do has value. God sees to it. That is an enormous mercy."

How do I overcome? My eyes must always be fixed on Jesus!

Sittser again...

The Lord continues to bless through the pen of Jerry Sittser! Consider these impactful words ...

"Loss provides an opportunity to take inventory of our lives, to reconsider priorities and to determine new directions. Loss invites us to ask basic questions about ourselves – such as “What do I believe?” “Is there life after death?” “Is there a God?” “What kind of person am I? “Do I really care about other people?” “How have I used my resources – my time, money and talent?” “Where am I headed with my life?” Deep sorrow is good for the soul for another reason too. It can make us more alive to the present moment.

Gifts of grace come to all of us. But we must be ready to see and willing to receive these gifts. It will require a kind of sacrifice, the sacrifice of believing that, however painful our losses, life can still be good – good in a different way than before, but nevertheless good. I will never recover from my loss and I will never get over the missing ones I lost. But I still cherish life.

I will always want the ones I lost back again. I long for them with all my soul. But I still celebrate the life I have found because they are gone. I have lost, but I have also gained. I lost the world I loved, but I gained a deeper awareness of grace. That grace has enabled me to clarify my purpose in life and rediscover the wonder of the present moment."

In my next post, I will share some photos of our recent church camp in KL.

More nuggets from Sittser...

Someone asked me if I had recovered. It's difficult to say "yes" as that would not speaking the truth.

This is what Sittser wrote: "Recovery is a misleading and empty expectation. We recover from broken limbs, not amputation. Catastrophic loss by definition precludes recovery. It will transform or destroy us, but it will never leave us the same. There is no going back to the past, which is gone forever, only going ahead to the future which has yet to be discovered. Whatever that future is, it will and must, include the pain of the past with it. Sorrow never entirely leaves the soul of those who have suffered a severe loss. If anything, it may keep going deeper.

But this depth of sorrow is a sign of a healthy soul, not a sick soul. It does not have to be morbid or fatalistic. It is not something to escape but something to embrace. Jesus said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Sorrow indicates that people who have suffered loss are living authentically in a world of misery, and it expresses the emotional anguish of people who feel pain for themselves or for others. Sorrow is noble and gracious. It enlarges the soul until the soul is capable of mourning and rejoicing simultaneously, of feeling the world's pain and hoping for the world's healing at the same time. However painful, sorrow is good for the soul.

Deep sorrow often has the effect of stripping life of pretense, vanity, and waste. It forces us to ask basic questions what is mot important in life. Suffering can lead to a simpler life, less cluttered with nonessentials. It is wonderfully clarifying. That is why many people who suffer sudden and severe loss often become different people. They spend more time with their children or spouses, express more affection and appreciation to their friends, show more concern for other wounded people, give more time to a worthy cause, or enjoy more of the ordinariness of life."

Jerry Sittser on Loss, Darkness...

This was what Jerry Sittser （A Grace Disguised, p. 49) said: "It is therefore not true that we become less through loss-- unless we allow the loss to make us less, grinding our soul down until there is nothing left but an external self entirely under the control of circumstances. Loss can also make us more. In the darkness we can still find the light. In death we can also find life. It depends on the choices we make.

Though these choices are difficult and rarely made in haste or with ease, we can nevertheless make them. Only when we choose to pay attention to our souls will we learn how much more there is to life than the external world around us, however wonderful or horrible that world is. We will discover the world within. Yet such attention to the soul does not have to engender self-absorption. If anything, it eventually turns us toward the world again and makes us more compassionate and just than we might otherwise have been.

Not that the choices we make will always have happy results. That is especially true if we choose to face our losses squarely. When we plunge into darkness, it is darkness we experience. We fell pain, anguish, sorrow and despair, and we experience the ugliness, meanness and absurdity of life. We brood as well as hope, rage as well as surrender, doubt as well as believe. We are apathetic os often as we are, hopeful and sorrowful before we are joyful. We both mourn deeply and live well. We experience the ambivalence of living simultaneously in the night and in the light."

So darkness is not something to be avoided but to be entered into trusting that our faithful God would eventually turn the mourning into joy and give us beauty for ashes.

Mother's Day remembrance at the Lawn Cemetery - May 11, 2009

Happy Mother's Day, Juliana!

Enjoy the blessings of heavenly life!

Thoughts about Grace & Gifts...

Two comments struck me deep this morning...

Commenting on the healed Samaritan in Luke's Gospel, Boring & Craddock said: "This (grace) is a completely spontaneous act, the expression of a gratitude not commanded by Jesus. Gratitude cannot be commanded or exacted ... There is no presumption that "of course God heals/forgives/saves --- that's God's business." Grace cannot be calculated; grace is always amazing grace. "Grace" and "gratitude" are related linguistically and theologically; just as the two words are derived from the same root, so there can be no awareness of grace without gratitude, no gratitude without an awareness of grace. " [Boring & Craddock in "Luke," The People's New Testament Commentary, Louisville, KY: WJKP, 2004, 247.]

Rev. Tan Soo-Inn commented recently in his Grace@Work Mail commentary said: "Life is a gift. Creation is a gift. The Cross is a gift and so is the new heaven and the new earth and everything in between. For those with eyes to see, life is strewn with the generous gifts of God and people, ranging from our eternal salvation, to a cup of cold water on a hot day. For those of us who want to orientate our lives around the twin loves of God and neighbour, there are many reasons to say thank you. Indeed we are to give thanks in all circumstances (1Thessalonians 5:18) believing that a gracious God can bring good even out of evil (Romans 8:28)."

Perhaps, and dare I say, death is also a gift? for it leads us into God's presence where we shall have eternal peace, joy and love? I think for many of us our eschatological orientation is wrong a lot of times for we only think of the here and now forgetting that once we become Christians, our perspective ought to be aligned with that of God's.

Remembering Her on Our Wedding Anniversary - April 15th, 2009

It's been a blessed 20 years since we've got married and a good 13 years of parenting before God decided that I should shoulder the parenting task from here on...May the good LORD grant me the grace and wisdom to do this faithfully for as long as He so desires.